Jen's Crash Course on Moving Forward

"I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself." ~ Walter Anderson

As most probably know by now, Kerry and I have lost yet another pregnancy this past week. I honestly believe that sharing the entire experience, while it worried some of my friends and family, is greatly helping me to heal. I’ve had a lot of time to think, and did shed a few tears, but I am surprisingly not bitter about this loss.
While I’ve had a huge wish to have my own experience with motherhood, I now realize that it’s time to let go of that dream and start to make new plans for myself and my family, as it is also necessary to let go of old bitterness and anger and to fortify the relationships with those who are important in my life.

So what’s next? First, I want to explore and strengthen my faith. I have to stop seeing certain challenges in my life as punishments of some sort, or defects or flaws in myself. I read somewhere that the roadblocks we stumble across in life are God’s way of stopping us to get our attention about something much more important. I think it’s time that I stopped questioning and open my eyes to find out what He’s stopped me for today. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.” I want to be able to do just that.

I’m going to spend next weekend with my grandparents and other family that I only see a couple of times per year. I’d like to work on getting to know my husband’s family better. I have a very good relationship with my mother-in-law, which I am incredibly thankful for, but he has a lot of aunts, uncles and cousins that I don’t really know well. I very much would like to change that.

I receive so much support and love from family and friends. I’d like to return a lot of that and be supportive and loving for them as well. I have learned recently that I have a lot to give, and I could certainly be giving more to someone else. I want to better forgive those who I previously felt “trespassed” against me, and if able, forge new relationships with them. This includes Caitlin’s mother and sister. I have a strong wish to let go of old resentments and proceed through the rest of my life with joy.

I also plan to go forward with the opportunity to start a new certification course in May. I always have a drive to do more in my career. I am finally going to take some time to do just that. While it is easy to lose touch with the reason I chose to do what I am currently doing, I firmly intend to remind myself of it each time I reach the point of frustration in someone who has come seeking help.

I have a lot of plans. This does not mean that I won’t take a bit of time to grieve Kerry’s and my loss. This particular loss does, however, open my eyes to the very precious gift I was offered a long time ago: to play an integral role in Caitlin’s life. I will not squander the last few years we have left of her childhood. I may not be a MOTHER, but I still have the opportunity to be a mom.

For that, I will always be grateful.