Jen's Crash Course on Abuse

Abuse has a lot of definitions. When I considered writing this particular blog entry, I wasn’t sure how I was going to approach it. I’ve come to realize that it’s a subject of which a lot of people in our lives have direct, first-hand knowledge. Let’s start with giving the “official” definitions:

1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.

Several weeks ago, I asked for help from family, friends and co-workers about their personal experiences with abuse. I got more responses than I’d anticipated. First, I’d like to thank those who allowed me to ask very personal questions, and were extremely gracious and open in answering those questions. What I was surprised to learn was that while the levels of abuse ranged from physical abuse, emotional and mental to sexual abuse, the survivors seem to have been affected very similarly.

I first realized that many of the survivors denied the abuse while it was occurring; or somehow felt it was their own fault that it was occurring in the first place. What is it that propels someone to abuse another? Most of the survivors who answered my questions stated that their abusers had come from abusive background themselves, whether it was physical/sexual/emotional or a background of substance abuse in their families. This certainly suggests that abuse can be cyclic in that victims of abuse can go on to become abusers themselves. It is not my intent to “excuse” abusive behavior with this blog, just perhaps to better understand it. When someone is a victim of abuse, he or she has no control over their circumstances, especially if that abuse is occurring when he or she is a child. In many cases, as that person gets older, the tables turn and he or she focuses frustration or anger on someone else in an attempt to gain control of each and every aspect of his or her life. In many cases, abuse is not about violence itself, but about control. In this quest for ultimate control, does the abuser even realize what he or she is doing to the victim of the abuse? My best guess is probably not.

Most of the people I talked to regarding their personal experiences with abuse told me that their abuse consisted of physical and emotional abuse, although a few did confess sexual abuse. So how did the affects of the abuse differ? Not a lot. Almost all victims stated that while the abuse was happening, they felt their self-esteem was diminished to almost nothing, and that perhaps they’d done something to warrant the abuse. Most didn’t seek help from anyone regarding the abuse because they feared that they wouldn’t be believed or that they’d be considered as “weak” for allowing the abuse to occur in the first place. All stated that past abuse had affected past and current relationships in some way, and most still consider themselves to have “trust issues”. Several have even stated that they feel very overprotective of their children and have a hard time letting those children out of their sight in fear that something will happen to them. Almost none felt like victims, but rather survivors.

Abuse happens much more frequently than most realize, and certainly more than anyone wants to consider or talk about. A study suggests approximately 1 in 6 women is abused in the United States EACH DAY. One in six… this means that if you have 100 female friends, the odds are pretty good that at least 6 of them have been abused in some way.
What do we do about it? You cannot control someone else's actions. You can only affect your own. Stop being abused, by anyone and everyone, and that will begin a journey that may bring about the result you are looking for. If you are in an abusive situation, remove yourself (and your children) from it. Teach your children that this behavior is NOT ok, and get some help dealing with the anger and depression that may cause this behavior to become cyclic.

The ultimate display of strength is knowing when to ask for help when we cannot help ourselves. Please do not be afraid to ask. There is no shame in asking for help. I’ve provided information for two agencies that can provide help for abuse victims and families, as well as for other counseling issues.

www.AbusedWomen.org

Comprehensive Professional Services
2600 Poplar Ave # 516Memphis, TN 38112-3850
(901) 458-7448

Comprehensive Professional provides client-focused services including parenting skills, lifestylechanges, individual and family psychotherapy, foster care counseling, and residential treatmentservices. Provides strategic family therapy on violence, drug abuse, psychosis, marital distress and depression. This agency collaborates with other agencies in the community, including the Cocaine/Alcohol Addiction Program and Wilder Youth Development Center.